Heartbroken

Dear Ash:

I don’t know if you will ever see this, but without interrupting your life, I saw it fit to put this out in the universe.

Ash, it truly saddens me to have to let you go. I now understand how it feels, to give up a child. You see, you wanted an auntie-mommy who could compartmentalize her life and blot out those elements and make you the focal point. And, yes that is what you deserve but I could not give you all my time when you required it as there are other little people in my life that also need my time.

I fell in love with you the first time we spoke on the phone; your passion and innocence sparked my interest. You, in the midst of your youth, were so learnt and so not afraid to express your feelings. Attributes that many adults don’t possess.

Ash, you are so fortunate to have been blessed with parents who are privileged and can afford to drop everything to give you the time you crave. My child, that is not Auntie-Mommy’s reality; I was born into a working class family and compartmentalization to prioritize was something that I learnt from a young age.

My world requires for me to share my time, energy and resources with my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, step children and friends. However, you required for me to make time for you when you wanted . And being a child that is understandable. A child’s demands must be met and having parents who can afford to give their time in that way is a dream. One that I cannot relate to nor can afford to do.

I work two jobs one to finance my siblings and myself and one to fund my tuition. The little people in my life need to understand and support me. As a better life for me, means a better life for them. And spending time with them is often the compromise in order to ensure that there needs are met ie school etc., sadly.

I have heard that giving up a child is one of the hardest things to do. This is true it is hard and extremely painful. However, hearing you cry on the phone because I am unable to speak with you or complaining because I can’t answer the phone is hurtful. And, knowing that I am the cause of your tears and disappointment hurts even more. I am unable to give you my time all the time. I am truly sorry.

I want the best for you. I want you to be smiling, writing beautiful poems, speaking eloquently on current affairs and expressing your self without fear. I want you to be your best you. And, I cannot give you that because my time doesn’t belong to me alone. I have to and have been sharing my time with my parents, siblings, step children and friends for as long as I can remember. And, while I would want to be yours alone l can’t, as there are several other people who depend on me.

Ash, I appreciate you and what you brought to my life. I have learnt more about who I am as a person in three weeks than I did in my current existence. You will always be apart of my heart and I will continue to be your biggest cheerleader. You are a blessing and I am a better person for knowing you. Please believe, that you will be happier without me – as a friend – as your Auntie-mommy.

You dubbed me your Auntie-mommy and I know that stepping away has hurt you. However, it is in your best interests. And, because I am Auntie-mommy I must do what is in your best interest at all times. You will remain in my heart forever.

Auntie-mommy

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