You Defensive…Me a Defender

I rarely speak about my personal tussles but on Friday I had one that has left me pondering, as I believe it was unnecessary. I asked one simple question that led to a tailspin tussle. I am still pondering how the conversation went left.

The truth is when people keep unsettling feelings stored in their subliminal; any small conversation can trigger the discomfort and bring that feeling to the forefront. As, what was presented to me in that conversation had absolutely nothing to do with what I innocently asked.

Clarity has always been important to me, that is how I am made up. I am not perfect but I do not like to be in situations that require me to constantly defined self. So, I usually ensure that I have a clear understanding of what is required of me and how much authority I have to execute a deliverable.

On Friday, that is the clarity I sought; however, what was thrown at me was collusion and deception. Have I every colluded in my lifetime or deceived anyone? Yes, in situations that deem that kind of behaviour the person being deceived would know and the collusion would be very evident. I can be a somewhat of a ‘bitch, so that person would know. I don’t usually hide in the shadows. I am too grown for that!!!! I left feeling very disrespected and totally annoyed as other individuals were drawn in the conversation, shake my head.

People tend to become defensive when they have developed preconceived notations about you or have trust issues. It was very apparent that this was present as the person said “I have been watching and seeing things”. The mind can make you see and hear what you want. As human beings, we have a tendency to look and listen for the things we want to find. The mind will certainly give you what you are looking for or let you hear what you want to hear – especially “someone who has the “someone is out to get me mentality” or has a paranoia. These persons will always place every and anyone in the category of a suspect. Paranoia can make you see and hear the opposite of what reality presents. I was a victim of paranoia on Friday and I will tell you it was not fun nor funny.

Being blunt and open with my feelings is a trait that I pride myself to have. Hence, I hate it when people assume what my intent is as I am not afraid to say what my intentions are from the get go. On Friday, I had to become a defender of my truth because of my “opponent” I became extremely defensive. I use the word opponent, because only when it battles do you have to defend yourself in order to survive and that is how I felt. One of the many things I hate is being told what you imply my actions and words mean, based on your assumptions. I believe that making an assumption often leads to wrong interpretation, be bold and just ask me!!!!! I will be honest and tell you my truth. Anyone who knows me, will tell you I that I am the first to blurt the cold hard truth. I really don’t care about how the truth affects a person. I prefer to know a person’s honest thoughts rather than assume what they are. Maybe, I am a weird but I thrive on knowing the truth.

My parents are honest creatures, they tell you the truth and you have to suck it up and deal with it. I have cried a few times when critiqued by my parents but I have been better for it and it has made me a stronger and better person. Pretentiousness helps no one, hence I give my cold hard truth and deal with the consequences it if is deemed offensive. A lie has never helped anyone nor does it allow for growth and improvement. A true and honest critique propels you on a positive path of growth and development. I know that Friday will haunt me for a long time and now I am very wary of this person’s thoughts. Trust is my biggest weakness and once I get into the “I don’t trust you mode” it takes me forever to recover. Only time will tell, but I remain optimistic.


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