Being lonely with you…

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There are so many couples who are lonely. Being in a relationship requires for sustained friendship and continued courtship. Yet many who profess to be in a relationship yet, in reality, they are living single together.

It is so easy for couples to drift apart if they don’t monitor their friendship through communication.  Many times we forget that needs are not static and that they can change with each passing day.  Hence, it is prudent to check in and never assume that all is well because nothing was said. Men usually assume that taking care of the financial needs of their partner equates to supporting of all needs. This is not so, the emotional and social needs must be nurtured as this necessities the greats efforts as they erode the fastest and are most vulnerable. Others equate sex to be socially and emotional support to their spouse.

Hence, one can be in a relationship, live in the same house and still feel alone.

Imagine with someone or being with someone and going days without talking.  Imagine going about returning home without any form of communication for days.  It is even harder for the person who is trying to keep the communication and the other is not reciprocating.  Let’s look at another scenario your partner converses with friends, gets ready and hits the road this happens for days. No Communication at all and the only time there is any form of conversation or emotional connection is during sex. The disconnect is evident as the act of sex happens without any intimacy.  The sex ends with both parties turning their backs and drifting off to sleep.

The emotional and social disconnect has affected their abilities to make love as the passion has died. The couple is together but is alone. They have lost the ability to connect as friends and neither knows how to rebuild this intimate connectedness. If neither work on communication, if the courting is not resumed;  the couple may be faced with the decision to end the relationship. We can always love each other but an intimate relationship requires for use to be consistently in-love with each other. Meaning, as a couple you must always want to be together, long for each other, need to communicate and share everything. The innocence of the relationship must never be tampered with.

Being alone in a relationship is the most hurtful and painful experience one can bear. It will leave you crying, making you angry as you feel helpless and it can erode your self-esteem, negatively. This loneliness can lead to paranoia. It can affect your performance at work and erode your other relationships.

Avoiding being together and being alone is, to be honest, keep talking. Be honest and try not to keep secrets especially about your feelings. Ladies, you don’t need to wait on an invitation from your man to go out on a date.  It is the 21st century you can date your man.  Men, it is important for you not to become complacent in your relationship and believe that you have her she needs reassurance, keep the courting going.

A relationship that works,   is one that is worked on every day.  Sustaining your relationship is a full-time job and a lifetime commitment.

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Heartbroken

Dear Ash:

I don’t know if you will ever see this, but without interrupting your life, I saw it fit to put this out in the universe.

Ash, it truly saddens me to have to let you go. I now understand how it feels, to give up a child. You see, you wanted an auntie-mommy who could compartmentalize her life and blot out those elements and make you the focal point. And, yes that is what you deserve but I could not give you all my time when you required it as there are other little people in my life that also need my time.

I fell in love with you the first time we spoke on the phone; your passion and innocence sparked my interest. You, in the midst of your youth, were so learnt and so not afraid to express your feelings. Attributes that many adults don’t possess.

Ash, you are so fortunate to have been blessed with parents who are privileged and can afford to drop everything to give you the time you crave. My child, that is not Auntie-Mommy’s reality; I was born into a working class family and compartmentalization to prioritize was something that I learnt from a young age.

My world requires for me to share my time, energy and resources with my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, step children and friends. However, you required for me to make time for you when you wanted . And being a child that is understandable. A child’s demands must be met and having parents who can afford to give their time in that way is a dream. One that I cannot relate to nor can afford to do.

I work two jobs one to finance my siblings and myself and one to fund my tuition. The little people in my life need to understand and support me. As a better life for me, means a better life for them. And spending time with them is often the compromise in order to ensure that there needs are met ie school etc., sadly.

I have heard that giving up a child is one of the hardest things to do. This is true it is hard and extremely painful. However, hearing you cry on the phone because I am unable to speak with you or complaining because I can’t answer the phone is hurtful. And, knowing that I am the cause of your tears and disappointment hurts even more. I am unable to give you my time all the time. I am truly sorry.

I want the best for you. I want you to be smiling, writing beautiful poems, speaking eloquently on current affairs and expressing your self without fear. I want you to be your best you. And, I cannot give you that because my time doesn’t belong to me alone. I have to and have been sharing my time with my parents, siblings, step children and friends for as long as I can remember. And, while I would want to be yours alone l can’t, as there are several other people who depend on me.

Ash, I appreciate you and what you brought to my life. I have learnt more about who I am as a person in three weeks than I did in my current existence. You will always be apart of my heart and I will continue to be your biggest cheerleader. You are a blessing and I am a better person for knowing you. Please believe, that you will be happier without me – as a friend – as your Auntie-mommy.

You dubbed me your Auntie-mommy and I know that stepping away has hurt you. However, it is in your best interests. And, because I am Auntie-mommy I must do what is in your best interest at all times. You will remain in my heart forever.

Auntie-mommy

Feeling powerless

These past months have been like a roll-a-coast. It has shown me that while I have control, I am powerless. Powerless to dictating my future irrespective of the route I take. “For all power belongs to God, now and forever. Amen” (1 Peter 5:11).

It is funny how we live each day pretending, yes pretending that we can control people, that we can dictate our future, that our plans must be realized. When, in reality our faith is in the dictates of God. These past few months have humbled me in this regard.

I have learnt more about humility and powerlessness than I have in my entire existence. I have learnt that not all that is beautiful is perfect and that every promise made by man comes with an ultimatum that is not always known. The Bible postulates that “by the sweat of your brow you will eat your food…” (Genesis 3:19) which, in my mind, means that anything that was not earned was not received in the glory of God and will not last.

Therefore, I never take unearned promises likely, they are always suspected and questioned. Don’t get me wrong, I totally concede that God will send you support to complete your journey. However, the support is one that would have been earned.

The manifestation of perceived power lies right there; as we think that these gifts will bring us fortune. However, the Bible professes that “every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above…” (James 1:17). Hence the power placed on the worldly gifts and the persons giving them is false and should be denied. Hence why devastation, tears, the feeling of imprisonment comes from promises not earned and not sent from God.

I will continue on my journey of self understanding accepting that power is Gods and I cling on this, knowing that he will protect and provide for me always. And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19)

Me and my feelings

It has been a while since I have written on my blog. And, it is not because I had nothing to say; but because I got caught up with life. Or it could be that life got caught up with me.

Recently, I have been very conflicted 😐 and feel very bewildered. I feel drained and often hopeless. Hopeless because I seem to have lost the ability to please. Usually my helpful self would be enough but even that…. I try, but the walls of life instead of protecting me; they are caving. And, so suddenly with so many people around me, I feel…lonely, helpless and defeated. The world has won.

The battered me can only hold on to the hope of Gods unconditional love ❤️ for me. God’s love is the only thing keeping this once so bright and energized light from going dark. I am drained from the erosion of life.

Motherhood beyond one day…

I deliberately waited for time to pass to post this article as it often fathoms me how we tend to place great emphasis on mothers only on Mother’s Day. Mothers are the vessels that literally nurture, sustain and preserve our future existence, through Christ.

A Mother’s journey propels until death; because while a man can always claim and or protest that “I am not the father.” A mother can never deny her maternity even if she gives up her child the internal and external scares remains. I explicitly understand that the day is designed to recognize and celebrate mothers. The bias in me believes that based the rareness of motherhood and the fact a woman’s body has to transition to act as the vessel to carry this human being for 9 months sometimes even 10. Her body changes and adapts to this little being who depends on her for nutritional , emotional, spiritual support, etc. Anything that affects the mother affects the baby and vice versa, this journey is literally life and death.

A mother’s journey with her child is far different from that of a father. Notwithstanding that each parent is equally important, a mother’s bond is beyond biological and very hard to describe. I welcome the day and acknowledgment; but I honestly believe that the recognition, be done with more heart and less materialistic intent.

Personally, I pray everyday for long life for both my parents as it is important for me to show them, through kind, my appreciation for the selfless sacrifices over the years.

My mother still takes care of me and her maternal instincts are still very strong. Last year October, I had an episode that saw me not being able to speak for six hours. A very scary moment, my words were unclear and I was stuttering. I drove for 25 minutes to my home and I don’t know; but my mother was outside waiting on me. I opened the car door and I just say this 4 feet 5 inches woman approaching me and she blurted “what’s wrong”. I tried to speak, but the words would not come and before I knew it, my mother was hugging and consoling me.

She and my dad took me to casualty and as they drove my mom prayed and kept saying everything is going to be alright. I reached the hospital and when it was my turn to see the doctor; I tried to speak but the stuttering had worsened and my words were unclear. My mother became my voice. In that moment my mother immersed into being a mother as I was once again a child and she was my protector, my strength and my voice. I was crying and she did not shed a tear. Instead she kept reassuring me as she sat by my bed. My father was their but my mother was the one who immersed as the strength that I needed.

The power of a mother’s love is beyond anything that one can describe. In that moment, it was her strength that kept me through and God’s grace. I will forever say that motherhood is beyond one day. The appreciation of a mother should forever be all day every day and I stand to that.

When Humility is Necessary

The word humility has been traveling with me these past weeks. And, I was reminded that it was not only needed in intimate relationships, but was also needed in business, especially when dealing with people.

The Bible speaks about humility in a many ways but, Proverbs 11:2 resonated with me as it reminded of the importance of being humble.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but humility comes wisdom – Proverbs 11:2 NIV

The scriptures express the real reality of what happens when we exalt, show-off and over exert. It is very clear that humility presents the opportunity for growth; which is often missed because instead of being humble and using difficulty moments to reflect, learn and grow. We become defensive and show-off.

These past weeks I have been drawn to the Bible for clarity and solidification. We have all heard of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector- by virtue of who he was the Pharisee prayed, lauded himself and blasphemed as he inserted the Tax Collector in his prayer. He was of the view that because he was a “just and righteous” man in the eyes of the world he was better than the Tax Collector. The Tax Collector on the other hand, knew who he was and what his job required of him, so as he prayed he ask for forgiveness and went home.

It is funny how we can forget ourselves and become so powerful that we scoff at everyone who we deem beneath us.

However, Luke 14:11 remains us of the need to maintain humility irrespective of how much we have achieved – whether in our career, our friendships, or in our spiritual journey.

Luke 14:11 For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humble the himself shall be exalted

It is even more important based on the unpredictability of life today as: we are up and tomorrow we are down. The Book of Job epitomizes this unequivocally.

Solomon life’s journey also paints the picture of how in the midst of greatness power can be lost. As human beings humility should be very high on our value pyramid. This should be deemed non negotiable and should not be compromised, irrespective of the situation.

The man who contains his humility based on perception is overlooked; however, this is not the case. The boisterousness, the flamboyant pronouncements, the overshadowing and the positioning for the benefit of ones own gain is seen. The doer may believe it is masked but it is seen by the onlookers; as it is often those persons who gloat without substance. It is those people who depreciate another person for their own self gain. The Bible speaks of the unjust and warns of what will happen to those who unjustly creates harm.

Humility keeps us in check and it is an important attribute to possess. I pray to always be humble and have humility irrespective of my accomplishments or lack there of.

Humility…Humbleness

handsThe need for humility in a relationship is paramount. Being humble always on the opportunity to be led, to be open and to be vulnerable. These are important attributes in a relationship. Let’s unpack:

1. To be led. Giving up power in any relationship allows you to take instruction from your spouse. Many individuals fear being instructed as it is a sign of weakness.

The word submissive comes to mind and because of what it represents individuals are afraid to submit. For example, the male in the relationship their ego doesn’t allow them to be “told what to do” by their female counterpart. And, the female needs to be strong and be in control that they become aggressive when being told what to do by their man. Some females beat down on others who have relinquished this control to their man and have been called weak.

The world’s perception of the role of the male and female in a relationship does not make it easy for either party to relinquish power. The truth is be led can be fun. Submission is not a sign of weakness; it actually takes a strong person to submit to someone. The truth is, their are so many mean people in the world that doubts creeps in and makes us skeptics.

2. To be open. As individuals, trust is something that is earned. Depending on our past some people take longer to trust and so they take longer to open up. For relationships to evolve one has to be willing to share self. The inability to do this impacts the pace of growth. A stagnancy in a relationship can mean only one thing, death. Openness fuels the relationship and if there is none, then over time the relationship will even when on life support, will die.

Many people believe that being open sets them up to be hurt. This is often true as the world can be a cruel place at times. However, we need to show an ounce of humbleness and share an ounce of self. I think this is actually called being vulnerable.

3. Being vulnerable. Is never easy it takes tenacity and humility. These are not qualities possessed by all and those who do are afraid that their vulnerability will lead to them getting hurt.

Vulnerability is the hardest part of any relationship. It stems on trust and honesty and both can lead to doom if violated, yet it is a critical anecdote for a successful relationship.

Though hard, humility and humbleness are key to a successful relationship. The outcome of the unknown can be frightening but this is with anything. Opening up, being vulnerable and being led can be fun it will not take away from you being strong and in control. Give it a try, it will make you have more respect for your partner, let you trust him/her a little more and glue the relationship a little tighter. It is always nice to have someone in your life that you can be you explicitly. Being humble and having humility creates that opportunity.

You Defensive…Me a Defender

I rarely speak about my personal tussles but on Friday I had one that has left me pondering, as I believe it was unnecessary. I asked one simple question that led to a tailspin tussle. I am still pondering how the conversation went left.

The truth is when people keep unsettling feelings stored in their subliminal; any small conversation can trigger the discomfort and bring that feeling to the forefront. As, what was presented to me in that conversation had absolutely nothing to do with what I innocently asked.

Clarity has always been important to me, that is how I am made up. I am not perfect but I do not like to be in situations that require me to constantly defined self. So, I usually ensure that I have a clear understanding of what is required of me and how much authority I have to execute a deliverable.

On Friday, that is the clarity I sought; however, what was thrown at me was collusion and deception. Have I every colluded in my lifetime or deceived anyone? Yes, in situations that deem that kind of behaviour the person being deceived would know and the collusion would be very evident. I can be a somewhat of a ‘bitch, so that person would know. I don’t usually hide in the shadows. I am too grown for that!!!! I left feeling very disrespected and totally annoyed as other individuals were drawn in the conversation, shake my head.

People tend to become defensive when they have developed preconceived notations about you or have trust issues. It was very apparent that this was present as the person said “I have been watching and seeing things”. The mind can make you see and hear what you want. As human beings, we have a tendency to look and listen for the things we want to find. The mind will certainly give you what you are looking for or let you hear what you want to hear – especially “someone who has the “someone is out to get me mentality” or has a paranoia. These persons will always place every and anyone in the category of a suspect. Paranoia can make you see and hear the opposite of what reality presents. I was a victim of paranoia on Friday and I will tell you it was not fun nor funny.

Being blunt and open with my feelings is a trait that I pride myself to have. Hence, I hate it when people assume what my intent is as I am not afraid to say what my intentions are from the get go. On Friday, I had to become a defender of my truth because of my “opponent” I became extremely defensive. I use the word opponent, because only when it battles do you have to defend yourself in order to survive and that is how I felt. One of the many things I hate is being told what you imply my actions and words mean, based on your assumptions. I believe that making an assumption often leads to wrong interpretation, be bold and just ask me!!!!! I will be honest and tell you my truth. Anyone who knows me, will tell you I that I am the first to blurt the cold hard truth. I really don’t care about how the truth affects a person. I prefer to know a person’s honest thoughts rather than assume what they are. Maybe, I am a weird but I thrive on knowing the truth.

My parents are honest creatures, they tell you the truth and you have to suck it up and deal with it. I have cried a few times when critiqued by my parents but I have been better for it and it has made me a stronger and better person. Pretentiousness helps no one, hence I give my cold hard truth and deal with the consequences it if is deemed offensive. A lie has never helped anyone nor does it allow for growth and improvement. A true and honest critique propels you on a positive path of growth and development. I know that Friday will haunt me for a long time and now I am very wary of this person’s thoughts. Trust is my biggest weakness and once I get into the “I don’t trust you mode” it takes me forever to recover. Only time will tell, but I remain optimistic.

Something has to give…

As we embark on the end of a period that is symbolic for the process of renewal and forgiveness we must be cognizant that this process beings with self. The journey of forgiveness is not easy and often creates resentment especially towards the person who has caused the hurt. I like to use the word reflecting as I consider it the epitome of the journey towards forgiveness and the feeling of renewal. I have met many people who have been burdened with not being able to let go. However, it must be understood that in order to live again, in order to love self and life again, something has to give.

To be cheated on… is one of the hardest things to forget much more to forgive. The hurt, the pain, the betrayal are just…unbearable. And the, sadness creeps up and lingers like a plague. The feeling stays and festers especially if you are unable to let go. It affects you even more when you start blaming yourself for him/her cheating on you.

The things is you can only control your behaviour; hence, you should never blame yourself for the action of your spouse. My philosophy on this is that “if you had so much power on this person would you not ensure that you control that part of their behaviour that doesn’t hurt you.” Yes people make mistakes but it takes a lot of effort to cheat and the person who cheats should be the only one blamed.

Something has to give! People need to learn to be accountable and to accept the consequences that come with their actions. When someone is hurting, you have to give them time to heal. Most persons overcome things quickly while others never overcome at all. All in all the one hurting should never be placed in the villain role as they are the victim.

It is all so easy to become the villain in situations because the ‘hurter’ becomes aggressive or withdrawn. In addition to being told that it is because… Me interesting, you have the power to place yourself in a position to be hurt. Nah, not at all!!! This statement is all about making you question your commitment and if you are not careful you could end up accepting the behaviour of ‘guilt’. Never let that happen always remember that the ‘high road’ is for all of us and we can’t keep letting people win by placing on a journey of self blame rather than a journey of renewal.

Taking this journey of renewal and forgiveness is a continuous road filled with bumps, doubts and life detox. It may mean letting go not just of the hurt but the person(s) that caused the hurt. In life, sometimes, we have to choose self and in doing so forgive with the understanding that people are people and they cannot be controlled. However, controlling self requires for forgiving and starting over. Hence commending the process of renewal.

The cheating effect…

So, I learnt this week that two of my dearest friends are having marital problems. They are an elderly couple who have grown children and grandchildren. Apparently, the husband had cheated on the wife during the earlier part of the marriage. Now the wife has decided that it’s her time to pay the husband back the courtesy of cheated on by cheating. The pun is that she told him that she would cheat on him expressing that he now needed to feel the way she felt all these years.

This kind of behaviour has placed the children at odds as the husband is now throwing the wife out of the matrimonial house. The son is adamant that his mother contributed to renovating the house and turning it into a home. And, the daughter says that her mother needs to leave as it is not fear for her father to live with a woman who has cheated.

‘Two wrongs don’t make a right” nor should their behaviours be deemed karma as expressed by the daughter. The wife has obviously taken revenge which has backfired.  The husband is unforgiving and is not willing to accept moving forward in a relationship with his wife due to her cheating so much so that he has threatened to evict her from the matrimonial home.

This is indeed an interesting and very uncomfortable feud being dramatized by these two persons who have been in a union through marriage for over three decades. The feud has divided the family and may become a generational problem if not nipped and handled properly.

The quandary lies in the malice that has clouded this family and the unwillingness of the members to compromise in order to resolve. And, while it is an unfair suggestion  I do believe that if the children come together and have that united conversation with their parents they will stop the feuding.  Afterall, they must coexist even after the separation, if that is the decision. The need for this is paramount as they share grandchildren and will be required to be present for family activities.

It just goes to show how complexed relationship can be and how the web of deception and revenge can tear a family apart, sometimes forever.