Motherhood beyond one day…

I deliberately waited for time to pass to post this article as it often fathoms me how we tend to place great emphasis on mothers only on Mother’s Day. Mothers are the vessels that literally nurture, sustain and preserve our future existence, through Christ.

A Mother’s journey propels until death; because while a man can always claim and or protest that “I am not the father.” A mother can never deny her maternity even if she gives up her child the internal and external scares remains. I explicitly understand that the day is designed to recognize and celebrate mothers. The bias in me believes that based the rareness of motherhood and the fact a woman’s body has to transition to act as the vessel to carry this human being for 9 months sometimes even 10. Her body changes and adapts to this little being who depends on her for nutritional , emotional, spiritual support, etc. Anything that affects the mother affects the baby and vice versa, this journey is literally life and death.

A mother’s journey with her child is far different from that of a father. Notwithstanding that each parent is equally important, a mother’s bond is beyond biological and very hard to describe. I welcome the day and acknowledgment; but I honestly believe that the recognition, be done with more heart and less materialistic intent.

Personally, I pray everyday for long life for both my parents as it is important for me to show them, through kind, my appreciation for the selfless sacrifices over the years.

My mother still takes care of me and her maternal instincts are still very strong. Last year October, I had an episode that saw me not being able to speak for six hours. A very scary moment, my words were unclear and I was stuttering. I drove for 25 minutes to my home and I don’t know; but my mother was outside waiting on me. I opened the car door and I just say this 4 feet 5 inches woman approaching me and she blurted “what’s wrong”. I tried to speak, but the words would not come and before I knew it, my mother was hugging and consoling me.

She and my dad took me to casualty and as they drove my mom prayed and kept saying everything is going to be alright. I reached the hospital and when it was my turn to see the doctor; I tried to speak but the stuttering had worsened and my words were unclear. My mother became my voice. In that moment my mother immersed into being a mother as I was once again a child and she was my protector, my strength and my voice. I was crying and she did not shed a tear. Instead she kept reassuring me as she sat by my bed. My father was their but my mother was the one who immersed as the strength that I needed.

The power of a mother’s love is beyond anything that one can describe. In that moment, it was her strength that kept me through and God’s grace. I will forever say that motherhood is beyond one day. The appreciation of a mother should forever be all day every day and I stand to that.

Advertisements

When Humility is Necessary

The word humility has been traveling with me these past weeks. And, I was reminded that it was not only needed in intimate relationships, but was also needed in business, especially when dealing with people.

The Bible speaks about humility in a many ways but, Proverbs 11:2 resonated with me as it reminded of the importance of being humble.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but humility comes wisdom – Proverbs 11:2 NIV

The scriptures express the real reality of what happens when we exalt, show-off and over exert. It is very clear that humility presents the opportunity for growth; which is often missed because instead of being humble and using difficulty moments to reflect, learn and grow. We become defensive and show-off.

These past weeks I have been drawn to the Bible for clarity and solidification. We have all heard of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector- by virtue of who he was the Pharisee prayed, lauded himself and blasphemed as he inserted the Tax Collector in his prayer. He was of the view that because he was a “just and righteous” man in the eyes of the world he was better than the Tax Collector. The Tax Collector on the other hand, knew who he was and what his job required of him, so as he prayed he ask for forgiveness and went home.

It is funny how we can forget ourselves and become so powerful that we scoff at everyone who we deem beneath us.

However, Luke 14:11 remains us of the need to maintain humility irrespective of how much we have achieved – whether in our career, our friendships, or in our spiritual journey.

Luke 14:11 For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humble the himself shall be exalted

It is even more important based on the unpredictability of life today as: we are up and tomorrow we are down. The Book of Job epitomizes this unequivocally.

Solomon life’s journey also paints the picture of how in the midst of greatness power can be lost. As human beings humility should be very high on our value pyramid. This should be deemed non negotiable and should not be compromised, irrespective of the situation.

The man who contains his humility based on perception is overlooked; however, this is not the case. The boisterousness, the flamboyant pronouncements, the overshadowing and the positioning for the benefit of ones own gain is seen. The doer may believe it is masked but it is seen by the onlookers; as it is often those persons who gloat without substance. It is those people who depreciate another person for their own self gain. The Bible speaks of the unjust and warns of what will happen to those who unjustly creates harm.

Humility keeps us in check and it is an important attribute to possess. I pray to always be humble and have humility irrespective of my accomplishments or lack there of.

Humility…Humbleness

handsThe need for humility in a relationship is paramount. Being humble always on the opportunity to be led, to be open and to be vulnerable. These are important attributes in a relationship. Let’s unpack:

1. To be led. Giving up power in any relationship allows you to take instruction from your spouse. Many individuals fear being instructed as it is a sign of weakness.

The word submissive comes to mind and because of what it represents individuals are afraid to submit. For example, the male in the relationship their ego doesn’t allow them to be “told what to do” by their female counterpart. And, the female needs to be strong and be in control that they become aggressive when being told what to do by their man. Some females beat down on others who have relinquished this control to their man and have been called weak.

The world’s perception of the role of the male and female in a relationship does not make it easy for either party to relinquish power. The truth is be led can be fun. Submission is not a sign of weakness; it actually takes a strong person to submit to someone. The truth is, their are so many mean people in the world that doubts creeps in and makes us skeptics.

2. To be open. As individuals, trust is something that is earned. Depending on our past some people take longer to trust and so they take longer to open up. For relationships to evolve one has to be willing to share self. The inability to do this impacts the pace of growth. A stagnancy in a relationship can mean only one thing, death. Openness fuels the relationship and if there is none, then over time the relationship will even when on life support, will die.

Many people believe that being open sets them up to be hurt. This is often true as the world can be a cruel place at times. However, we need to show an ounce of humbleness and share an ounce of self. I think this is actually called being vulnerable.

3. Being vulnerable. Is never easy it takes tenacity and humility. These are not qualities possessed by all and those who do are afraid that their vulnerability will lead to them getting hurt.

Vulnerability is the hardest part of any relationship. It stems on trust and honesty and both can lead to doom if violated, yet it is a critical anecdote for a successful relationship.

Though hard, humility and humbleness are key to a successful relationship. The outcome of the unknown can be frightening but this is with anything. Opening up, being vulnerable and being led can be fun it will not take away from you being strong and in control. Give it a try, it will make you have more respect for your partner, let you trust him/her a little more and glue the relationship a little tighter. It is always nice to have someone in your life that you can be you explicitly. Being humble and having humility creates that opportunity.

You Defensive…Me a Defender

I rarely speak about my personal tussles but on Friday I had one that has left me pondering, as I believe it was unnecessary. I asked one simple question that led to a tailspin tussle. I am still pondering how the conversation went left.

The truth is when people keep unsettling feelings stored in their subliminal; any small conversation can trigger the discomfort and bring that feeling to the forefront. As, what was presented to me in that conversation had absolutely nothing to do with what I innocently asked.

Clarity has always been important to me, that is how I am made up. I am not perfect but I do not like to be in situations that require me to constantly defined self. So, I usually ensure that I have a clear understanding of what is required of me and how much authority I have to execute a deliverable.

On Friday, that is the clarity I sought; however, what was thrown at me was collusion and deception. Have I every colluded in my lifetime or deceived anyone? Yes, in situations that deem that kind of behaviour the person being deceived would know and the collusion would be very evident. I can be a somewhat of a ‘bitch, so that person would know. I don’t usually hide in the shadows. I am too grown for that!!!! I left feeling very disrespected and totally annoyed as other individuals were drawn in the conversation, shake my head.

People tend to become defensive when they have developed preconceived notations about you or have trust issues. It was very apparent that this was present as the person said “I have been watching and seeing things”. The mind can make you see and hear what you want. As human beings, we have a tendency to look and listen for the things we want to find. The mind will certainly give you what you are looking for or let you hear what you want to hear – especially “someone who has the “someone is out to get me mentality” or has a paranoia. These persons will always place every and anyone in the category of a suspect. Paranoia can make you see and hear the opposite of what reality presents. I was a victim of paranoia on Friday and I will tell you it was not fun nor funny.

Being blunt and open with my feelings is a trait that I pride myself to have. Hence, I hate it when people assume what my intent is as I am not afraid to say what my intentions are from the get go. On Friday, I had to become a defender of my truth because of my “opponent” I became extremely defensive. I use the word opponent, because only when it battles do you have to defend yourself in order to survive and that is how I felt. One of the many things I hate is being told what you imply my actions and words mean, based on your assumptions. I believe that making an assumption often leads to wrong interpretation, be bold and just ask me!!!!! I will be honest and tell you my truth. Anyone who knows me, will tell you I that I am the first to blurt the cold hard truth. I really don’t care about how the truth affects a person. I prefer to know a person’s honest thoughts rather than assume what they are. Maybe, I am a weird but I thrive on knowing the truth.

My parents are honest creatures, they tell you the truth and you have to suck it up and deal with it. I have cried a few times when critiqued by my parents but I have been better for it and it has made me a stronger and better person. Pretentiousness helps no one, hence I give my cold hard truth and deal with the consequences it if is deemed offensive. A lie has never helped anyone nor does it allow for growth and improvement. A true and honest critique propels you on a positive path of growth and development. I know that Friday will haunt me for a long time and now I am very wary of this person’s thoughts. Trust is my biggest weakness and once I get into the “I don’t trust you mode” it takes me forever to recover. Only time will tell, but I remain optimistic.

Something has to give…

As we embark on the end of a period that is symbolic for the process of renewal and forgiveness we must be cognizant that this process beings with self. The journey of forgiveness is not easy and often creates resentment especially towards the person who has caused the hurt. I like to use the word reflecting as I consider it the epitome of the journey towards forgiveness and the feeling of renewal. I have met many people who have been burdened with not being able to let go. However, it must be understood that in order to live again, in order to love self and life again, something has to give.

To be cheated on… is one of the hardest things to forget much more to forgive. The hurt, the pain, the betrayal are just…unbearable. And the, sadness creeps up and lingers like a plague. The feeling stays and festers especially if you are unable to let go. It affects you even more when you start blaming yourself for him/her cheating on you.

The things is you can only control your behaviour; hence, you should never blame yourself for the action of your spouse. My philosophy on this is that “if you had so much power on this person would you not ensure that you control that part of their behaviour that doesn’t hurt you.” Yes people make mistakes but it takes a lot of effort to cheat and the person who cheats should be the only one blamed.

Something has to give! People need to learn to be accountable and to accept the consequences that come with their actions. When someone is hurting, you have to give them time to heal. Most persons overcome things quickly while others never overcome at all. All in all the one hurting should never be placed in the villain role as they are the victim.

It is all so easy to become the villain in situations because the ‘hurter’ becomes aggressive or withdrawn. In addition to being told that it is because… Me interesting, you have the power to place yourself in a position to be hurt. Nah, not at all!!! This statement is all about making you question your commitment and if you are not careful you could end up accepting the behaviour of ‘guilt’. Never let that happen always remember that the ‘high road’ is for all of us and we can’t keep letting people win by placing on a journey of self blame rather than a journey of renewal.

Taking this journey of renewal and forgiveness is a continuous road filled with bumps, doubts and life detox. It may mean letting go not just of the hurt but the person(s) that caused the hurt. In life, sometimes, we have to choose self and in doing so forgive with the understanding that people are people and they cannot be controlled. However, controlling self requires for forgiving and starting over. Hence commending the process of renewal.

The cheating effect…

So, I learnt this week that two of my dearest friends are having marital problems. They are an elderly couple who have grown children and grandchildren. Apparently, the husband had cheated on the wife during the earlier part of the marriage. Now the wife has decided that it’s her time to pay the husband back the courtesy of cheated on by cheating. The pun is that she told him that she would cheat on him expressing that he now needed to feel the way she felt all these years.

This kind of behaviour has placed the children at odds as the husband is now throwing the wife out of the matrimonial house. The son is adamant that his mother contributed to renovating the house and turning it into a home. And, the daughter says that her mother needs to leave as it is not fear for her father to live with a woman who has cheated.

‘Two wrongs don’t make a right” nor should their behaviours be deemed karma as expressed by the daughter. The wife has obviously taken revenge which has backfired.  The husband is unforgiving and is not willing to accept moving forward in a relationship with his wife due to her cheating so much so that he has threatened to evict her from the matrimonial home.

This is indeed an interesting and very uncomfortable feud being dramatized by these two persons who have been in a union through marriage for over three decades. The feud has divided the family and may become a generational problem if not nipped and handled properly.

The quandary lies in the malice that has clouded this family and the unwillingness of the members to compromise in order to resolve. And, while it is an unfair suggestion  I do believe that if the children come together and have that united conversation with their parents they will stop the feuding.  Afterall, they must coexist even after the separation, if that is the decision. The need for this is paramount as they share grandchildren and will be required to be present for family activities.

It just goes to show how complexed relationship can be and how the web of deception and revenge can tear a family apart, sometimes forever.

The “CUSS”

So my friend and I while driving was having the most interesting conversation about how to stay in love with your man. I told her that I have always felt that it is okay to love and not be in love especially when years have elapsed.

Think 🤔 about this:

Two persons spending ten/twenty years together they say they love ❤️ each other but they are not in love with each other.

Interestingly, I do believe that you can love and not be in love. People grow and evolve sometimes to find themselves they have to mentally checkout of their relationship to adjust and find themselves. This is where the “CUSS” becomes important.

The “CUSS”

C=Communication

Couples need to keep the communication lines open. They need understanding that needs are not static and expectations change. At this juncture they need to have a conversation explaining these new needs and expectations.

U=understanding

The need for understanding is important during these time of change. It will be difficult as you are now required to learn this new person and fall back in love with them.

S=Sacrifice

The change of finding self will require for the couples to be will to give up something. It may mean spending less time at work just spend time with your partner. Or something has big as giving up a friend. Sacrificial gestures are important to show continued commitment.

S=Support

This period of finding self is very difficult; worst if both persons in the relationship are going through this process of “finding self”. Support each other requires for each other to patient and to encourage each other path by being the others cheerleader.

The “CUSS” will keep you grounded and allow you to reconnect and rekindle the love connection leading you to becoming in love 💑👬with each all over again. If the “CUSS” is successfully maintained it will keep the relationship healthy even through the tough times.Relationships are difficult and complicated without Communication, Understanding, Sacrifice and Support (CUSS) they will not be able to overcome the tough times and the erosion of life changes, together.

💕Love expectations💕

I only post on a Sunday but I was compelled as today represents sacrificial love.

Couples often speak of the need for compromise in a relationship. Lovers dwell on the need for spontaneity and adventure. However, relationships require a lot more.

The partners in a relationship must commitment and be dedicated to maintaining the expectations of the receipt of love. The question, however is how. How do couples/lovers maintain each other’s expectations of love?

We all can agree that each of us define love differently and, that this dictates how we want to be loved. The dilemma is that the giver of love often shows love how they define it and not how the recipient views it.

For example, I define love as giving support and spending quality time together. My partner sees love as just being present: no talking, no intimacy is required, just being there.

The expectations of love need to be communicated; as perceptions can be wrong. If, each party is unaware of how one wants to be loved and just gives love the way they know how. Then, they may not be meeting their partners love expectations.

For example, you give love through intimacy but your partner receives love through companionship.

Not meeting loves expectations can be the demise of a relationship. Hence, it is always important to communicate how you want to be loved from the commencement of the relationship. You may also have to, from time to time, remind your partner of your love expectations. As once expectations of love can change throughout the life’s ages and stages; to maintain the provision of loves expectations you must keep yourself in the know.

On this Valentines Day as you prepare to express love you must always remember to meet the expectations of your lover.

Being lonely with you….

There are so many couples who are living lonely. Many will tell you that there is no connection with their partner as they have grown apart.

It is so easy for couples to drift especially when friendship and companionship are not present. Friendship allows for sustained two way communication; it creates sharing of emotions and feelings without fear. Making each person having a mutual level of respect and understanding. And, a relationship with companionship offers space for intimacy and closeness an ingredient needed for bonding.

Living single while being together can become mentally draining and extremely frustrating. Most persons develop depression or stress; some have even developed insomnia and paranoia. The tension in the home is very apparent at times even the children are impacted.

Being lonely when in relationship is devastating it is actually worse than being single.

Imagine being in house with your a man or woman that you shared everything with and passing each other for days without talking. Picture laying in a bed with the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with and spending days without any form of intimacy. Think of being someone’s best friend, sharing and doing everything together and then becoming so apart that you don’t know anything about the other.

The silence turns into arguments and the loneliness because so consistent that being together is always awkward.

A life of irresistible companionship shattered. Life eroding this journey of love and leaving a relationship that is filled with bitterness and uncertainty. The only thoughts lingering are the next steps: do you move on or do you try to mend the relationship. Knowing that either will take a curve, a twist in your life’s journey that will change you forever.

A Web of Deception…

Over the weekend I was privy to a conversation that reminded me of how cruel men can be.

The Story

A man meets a woman while he is down on his face. He claims to love her, as she brings him joy and sticks with him through the hard times. He promises her a lifetime of love and offers to marry her. Their union brings a child but his family doesn’t like her because she is brash and vulgar. They believe that she is not good enough for him.  So she lives with her parents.

He finds work as a security guard and during his goings he meets a bank manager. The bank manager is going through a divorce but seems to be smittened and has property,  cars and a hefty bank account. The family sees this lady as a  “stepup” and welcomes her in the home.  The baby mother is still deemed his main woman but he tells her that he is unable to accomodate her at his house as he is on the job. His excuse prevents her from visiting as his family does not want her there unless he is there.

The bank manager has bought him a new bedroom set and sleeps over several nights a week. The dilemma is that the baby mother is still of the view that he is committed to her and his promise of marraige is still valid. One of the family members is disgusted by his behaviour but does not want to get involved.

Wow, what a story. How can one man be so callous?

Web of deciet.bmpYou are a man, she is your woman, you tell her how great she is and even promise marriage and in the midst of it, you creep with another woman. This woman that has devoted her heart and her future to you. This woman who thinks that she is the only woman so enraptured and complacent that she misses the cues of his deception.

How cold can you be to continue the lies? The family is just as guilty as they not only enable but condone the deception and the affair. So the baby mother is not reserved and well-mannered but she is a “ride or die”. She can’t afford to offer him expensive gifts but she has stood by him through the hard times. According to the family member, the baby mother does everything for him without asking for anything.

I wonder how this story will end.

I feel for the baby mother but she needs to start asking why the gaps of the visits are so long. Doesn’t he get day-offs?

The family needs to really look into themselves as a child is involved. This cannot end good for the child, he will be caught in the middle.

I wonder if the bank manager knows of the baby mother and that she is still an active person in his life. And if she doesn’t, when she finds out I wonder if she will walk away or if she will still claim him?

How will the baby mother react if she finds out? She will be very devasted, obviously.

I would love to see the reaction of the family when this happens because they will be as much to blame for the outcomes. This will not be a happy ending someone will get hurt.

An interesting and hurtful story one with many uncertainties and the only certainty is that someone will get hurt.  Who? Only time will tell…